My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
