Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
did i just pee glitter
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
