I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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