My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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