Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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