She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
