I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
