Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if only i could text you this smell
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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