dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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