I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
