She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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