he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
