My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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