Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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