I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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