she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
