How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
