So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
