He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
