I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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