I met the friendliest cop last night
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
