You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
