My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
