Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
