i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
