i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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