Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize