please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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