I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
