Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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