White coat. Heels.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize