i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize