I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
