My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
