my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
