Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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