fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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