we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
