FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
