i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
