The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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