someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
