South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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