im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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