why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize