There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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