things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize