i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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