If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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