I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
