Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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