Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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