I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
