Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
