20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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