i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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