You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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