I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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