Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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