I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
