...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
