i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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