smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
