he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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