just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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