It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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